The fear of being outted

I never really considered myself too bothered by the idea of people finding out about my kinky side. I am pretty open about a lot of things to a lot of different people. 

My mom knows that my husband and I are kinky, met on a kink website and that we attend kink events together and with other partners. I also give her sex toy advice. My brother knows that I am a little, and his girlfriend (who is also little) and I exchange “little” gifts for different occasions. My best friends know MANY of the details of my sex life, and one of my best friends and her husband actually attended a play party with us once. 

So for the most part, I don’t hide a lot. Anybody who doesn’t know is more so because I respect the privacy of my husband and his wishes when it comes to being “outted” in his personal life. 

I mean, I work at a Church, so I don’t advertise my kinky extracurriculars and I don’t discuss the fact that I have multiple partners, but even then, I have always thought that I wouldn’t be devastated if people found out. 

So last week, when I logged into getDare (another kink-ish site where I am a mod) to find a PM where I was addressed by my real name … my heart skipped a beat. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. 

This member was not somebody I had ever spoken to. I searched his IP address and there showed no signs of him being somebody who may have known me under a different account. There was nothing obvious jumping out at me … and the worst part was that this random man on the internet, who knew my name, was upset with me because of an infraction that he felt was unfair. 

I felt like I was in danger. I panicked. 

Thankfully it was all (mostly) innocent – he found my name attached to this website and he decided to use that to shake me because he was upset. 

He sure did accomplish that goal. I was spooked! I still am! 

With Jaro’s help we were able to get my name hidden so that this doesn’t happen again, but geeeesh! I guess I am a little more jumpy about this than I thought.

4 thoughts on “The fear of being outted

  1. That’s always a big fear for me. My parents are pretty big in the church. My family is recognized throughout a larger Christian community. My parents still think I’m a virgin. A few of my closest friends know about my kinks, but it wasn’t until recently that I opened up to them about it.

    As I’m beginning to write more, I fear that my identity will get out one day. It would jeopardize my career greatly and for the most part, I’d be ostracized. As I’m leaning more toward writing professionally, I’ve been trying to come up with a pen name. Erotic stories cannot be tied to me personally.

    I definitely understand your concern as it’s a crippling fear that I do have. It may even be the one thing holding me back from committing to finishing a novel and publishing it.

    – Sass

  2. It’s my big big fear. I only play online but the idea of someone knowing my real name scares me. I only once (after months) of online play with a Domme gave her my name and address. I had hers too. She even sent me a postcard once.

    That seems like a long time ago now though. I am ashamed to admit my kinky side is kept (largely) from my wife. Being an online sub allows me to escape and try out new things but that fear of being found out is always there.


    1. I felt that same fear a lot more when I was hiding my kink side from practically everybody I knew. I was paranoid to let people near my phone or computer, or that I would let something slip. It was almost all consuming. I can understand how you feel.

      1. Thank You for understanding. I had my phone stolen a few years ago while logged into my kik account. The fear really got to me.

        I really want to get to a place where I tell a fellow kink person my real name. Or even my real first name.

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