Just keep swimming

Do you ever have those days where you just feel like giving up? You just want to crawl into a hole and hibernate. That is where I am at today.

For those that don’t know, I have been taking hormones as part of a fertility plan to try and conceive. Mr. D and I have been trying for almost three years now without success. While I know that the hormones are needed to give me a chance, they are just sooo awful; constant headaches, hot flashes, nauseous, ITCHY NIPPLES! Do you know how awful itchy nipples are? Well let me tell you, you try to satisfy an itch on a wrinkled up little pea. My nail can’t reach all the nooks and crannies!

This month, it has been two years from the date of my rear end collision. Until just recently, I was still attending physio, however, as I am trying to conceive, I can no longer receive needling due to the risk of it causing a miscarriage. This just leaves me in constant pain.

Now, this is really nothing too new for me. I have lived with constant pain for the last two years. I can usually handle it pretty well with drugs, heat and positivity. But I can’t take pain killers right now due to trying to conceive and have you ever worn a parka in the 30 degree sun? Well that is how the heating pad feels at night while having hormonal hot flashes. I shouldn’t complain. I get to go on a vacation every night. If you take into account the grittiness of the crumbs in my bed from the random cravings I have, and the river of sweat, you would think I am laying on a beach somewhere.

All jokes aside (see, I really am trying to keep my humor in all of this), I am just feeling beat. I am tired from lack of sleep. I am sore. I am cranky. I am struggling.

On top of that, I received some news from home. A young family member tried to take her life this week. This person is very dear to me. She is somebody I have spent years advocating for. I have fought tooth and nail, I have sacrificed my own needs and wants, I have put my life on hold, I have put everything on the line for her. Am I mad? You bet your ass I am. But I am not mad at her.

I am mad at the people who are close to her who haven’t been willing to advocate for her. I am mat the system who seems to failing her. I am mad that nobody has taken her seriously, and even after a failed suicide attempt, they still don’t want to open their fucking eyes and see that this little girl needs help.

And what do I get from trying so hard for years? I am blamed. I am the bad guy. I am intrusive. I am overreacting. I have ill intentions. It makes it hard to continue to fight. I want to just give up.

I am helpless. I am frustrated. I am heart broken. I am mad. But more than anything, I am just feeling overwhelmed. I am tired. I am done.

I so badly want to just crawl into that hole today. I want to just sleep a million hours. I want to poof from my responsibilities. I want to just give up. But …. I won’t.

I am going to go home, cuddle my husband. I am going to talk to my people. I am going to just keep swimming. Tomorrow is another day. Things are going to get better right?

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