Originally posted February 2017
Last week AbusiveMaster shocked me while I was at work, by telling me that I would be buying a pacifier when I went to the grocery store on my way home.
I was mortified!!!
If anybody knows me, they know that I get blushy pretty easily (funnily enough I thought this was getting better, but I think I have just become too comfortable around certain people), and my face was bright red and hot.
I was so scared to buy the pacifier, but even more scared to try the pacifier. I never imagined that I would use one as a little. It made me blushy and uncomfortable to even think about. And I knew that if I bought it, I would surely have to use it. I fought it the whole time. I DID NOT WANT TO BUY IT! But somehow it happened anyways ….
The blushiness and anxiety got even worse when I went to the store. I stood in that aisle for WAY too long and there was a salesman watching … it was awful! But I did it! I bought a nice pink pacifier and brought it home.
It just increased the “little shivers” and I was getting more and more anxious to let my little side out. It didn’t help that I was getting teased from EVERYBODY.
Last weekend, I kind of had a moment where I was so overwhelmed with the anticipation and the teasing, I felt so on edge, that I broke down. I cried in the shower. Afterwards, I had a talk with Icey, AM and Mr. Devious and they all made me feel a whole lot better.
Finally, AM gave me my first BIG “little” task.
Just knowing we had something planned helped to alleviate the overwhelming feelings, and instead allowed me to feel excited again. I had something to look forward to.
As the week went along, I got more used to the idea of using a pacifier, and by Thursday afternoon I was ready to burst. I was supposed to go out with my friends for a bit after work, but I was too excited and decided to cancel all of my plans and just go home.
When I got home, I gave myself only 1 hour to do chores, wedding planning etc. Only 1 hour of “grown up responsibilities”. I was going to spend this time cleaning, however, my best friend called and we talked for most of the hour. It was a great distraction and it felt good to catch up with her. After that I had to make myself dinner. AM had suggested that I make a childhood favorite and so I did. I ate dinner in front of the tv with my kittens, relaxing and chatting in getDare chat.
As a side note, it felt so good to relax and do nothing. I have been so busy and stressed out lately, it was just wonderful to sit there and not have to do anything, and not feel guilty about it. It was like a “bonus” night and I didn’t want to spend it doing anything but relaxing.
After I had relaxed awhile, I put my pjs on. I decided to wear my batman panties, my pink pj pants and an eeyore tshirt. I got my cup (with a lid and straw) with some milk in it and also some cookies that I had bought and brought them to my bedroom. I opened up the pacifier box (which by the way was the hardest part), washed it, and set it on the end table beside my bed. I crawled into bed and chose a movie to watch. I was having a hard time deciding between Tangled, which I have seen lots, and The Princess and the Frog, which I had never seen, but I decided to watch the second one.
I turned the movie on, got all curled up with George my Giraffe and …. then I got all uncomfortable. I had too many clothes on. I don’t like wearing pants and I was squirming and getting all bunched up in my blankies and so I had to get up and change. Instead, I put on my Little Mermaid nightgown on (with no panties) and crawled back into bed.
That was soooooo much better.
I snuggled in with George and we started watching.
I was supposed to turn off my brain from grown up thoughts, but I was having a hard time with this. I kept thinking about the wedding, or work or even wondering what Mr. Devious was doing (he was gone for the night). I kept having to force myself to watch the movie. And then I kept wondering about the pacifier on the end table. What would it feel like to try it?
I picked it up and just held it for awhile while watching the movie. (Which by the way, isn’t the best. I should have watched Tangled.) I was starting to relax a little more. I could feel some of the tension starting to slip away, I was getting a bit of a fuzzy feeling in my head, and I sort of absentmindedly put the pacifier in my mouth. It was a little weird. Kind of too small for my mouth, but I liked the feeling, and it kind of sent a calm over me.
Of course, this was the time where I realized I really needed to pee. And not like a little …. all of a sudden I felt like I was going to burst. I got really really squirmy and I started to harass Mr. Devious with messages asking if I could go pee. It was a weird feeling. I knew he would be ok with me going if I needed to, but I needed him to say it was ok. I didn’t feel like I could make that decision. So instead, I sat there, crossing my legs as I waited, trying not to wet myself. Finally, he told me it was ok to go and I ran to the bathroom (and peed with my pacifier in, which was super blushy!).
When I returned, I continued to watch the movie. As I layed there I started to chew on my pacifier a bit. It was comforting.
After awhile, I wanted a snack. I asked Mr. Devious if I could have cookies with my milk and he said yes. So I nommed on my oreos and sipped my milk, being very careful not to spill. I didn’t do this too long though because I was really nervous and felt like I was going to spill. It kind of stressed me out, so I put it back on the end table and put my sucky (what I call my pacifier) back in.
As the movie was coming to an end, I still wasn’t too sleepy even though it was past my bedtime, but I said goodnight to Mr. Devious and turned off the light and listened to music while sucking on my sucky. Eventually I fell asleep.
When I woke up, the sucky was stuck to my back (I toss and turn a lot in my sleep). Which was kind of funny. I think I need to get a strap to attach it to my Pjs, that way I can’t lose it, or have the kitties steal it.
I think it was a great first try, and I am going to be a lot less anxious and blushy the next time I get to slip into my “little” mindset.