I have self confidence issues.
A lot of this is because of my past, but I also know that as a plus sized woman, society’s idea of beauty does not fit what I see in the mirror.
Because of this, I don’t really enjoy being naked. I am not comfortable when I am naked. Even in front of just Mr. Devious, I try to pull something over my tummy or keep something in front of me.
Words like sexy, beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, those words just don’t apply to me. I have come to terms with this, and it doesn’t really bother me too much. I know that I am a good person. I have a good heart, I have a cute and fun personality and a lot of people like me.
But this becomes a problem when it comes to play time. Especially when we want to play with others.
It has been on my mind lately because we are going to a kink convention in July. The convention would be nerve wracking enough if it were just a bunch of stranger that might potentially see me. I don’t care as much what they think of me, but it makes it harder because we have the opportunity to meet 7 or more of our online friends while we are there.
I am so excited to meet these individuals. So so SOOOOOO excited! But already, three months away, everybody is talking about how much they want to spank me, play with me, go skinny dipping with me, use this or that toy on me, and I want to do it, really badly! BUT … I can’t help but think they are going to see me in person and they will change their mind.
I post a lot of photos on here. But there are ways to take photos or crop them, add a filter, etc. to make them look more flattering. In my photos, I can strategically crop out my tummy, edit out my stretchmarks, or angle the photo so that you don’t see how fat my thighs are. Not to mention how ugly my princess parts look.
I know everybody has insecurities, but it is more like “I need to lose 20 lbs” or “my nose is too big” or “my boobs are too small”. But for me, it is the fact that I have WAY more than 20 lbs I should lose. I am not just a little chubby. And I feel like even though society is more accepting of curvy girls, and the kink community in general is pretty accepting of all body types, it still just makes me super anxious.
I know there is no pressure to be naked in front of others, and I probably won’t spend a lot of time naked anyways. I am planning to get a few different pieces of lingerie that make me feel good about myself. But some things, like receiving spankings, or trying certain toys or types of play, or maybe having some sexy times with another couple, those things involve being naked, or are made easier when naked. Not to mention possibly going skinny dipping…
I wish this fear didn’t hold me back.
But as much as our friends, and Mr. Devious try to reassure me, I just can’t believe them. Unless I send them a completely naked picture right now, I just feel like they can’t say it will be ok until they see me.
Anyways … I know this blog really isn’t going to make me feel better, I just need to pull up by big girl panties and go to the convention, meet people and see if it turns out the way I am expecting it to. But I needed to share this, maybe getting it out will help in its own way.
Thanks for listening.